All Things Monica

My grandmother, whom we call Mawmaw, went to the hospital today with shortness of breath. She’s 83, and my mom said that when older people go to the hospital often, it’s a sign that their body is wearing down. She was crying as she told me this. Later, she sent me a text letting me know that Mawmaw was stable, but that she was talking about being tired and wanting to go to Heaven. Emotionally, I think I shut down as soon as my mom called about her going to the hospital. That’s always been my automatic response to stress (not that it’s worked well for me). My grandparents helped raise me, and I still haven’t really grieved for Pawpaw, who died in 2001. Now I’m faced with losing Mawmaw and I’m numb. It may sound strange, but I really don’t feel much; however, that’s by unconscious design. I’m afraid that it would tear me apart to really feel the things that I think are buried deeply. I really love my grandparents, and losing Pawpaw was HUGE. I haven’t dealt with it because I don’t think I can. Now I may lose Mawmaw. They moved to Arizon when I was 16, and I shut off then. I didn’t call them very often or go visit because it hurt too much that I couldn’t see them everyday (talking to them reminded me of that). They are an enormous part of who I am today (at least the good parts), and I neglected my relationship with them. I’ve lost one; now I may lose the other. As I write this, I have that feeling in my chest when you’re starting to cry, so maybe I’m not as numb as I thought (5 therapists and countless meds later). I can only give this to God and trust that He will hold me up.